hoping to peel like an onion, but wondering if i'm rotting, if peeling at this point would be like digging fingernails into a molded, blues and white onion, and only getting millions of bacteria that the self recognizes as notself.
full moon. last one was to let go of resistance and embrace what is. did so. accepted that i am where i am and found ways to engage a little deeper, to take part, and initiate, and be proactive in the tango, at first awkwardly leading turns, stepping on toes, and at some point twirling my dance-mates. figuratively speaking.
figuratively living through the steps of the prophet muhammad who has laid out the single most compreshensive system of organic living. once it is bombed and depleted, once the taker culture is done with the genocidal campaign that they wage, and have fully grown their tumor beyond repair into this path of humility, then the teachings of the tradition will be romanticized in new age massage schools, and homeopathic schools of medicine, and perhaps even among the spiritually and geneaologically destitue, hoping to connect with something meaningful. we see it with native american spirtiualy and identity appropriation.
letting go of the behavioral patterns of addiction to that which harms me, and in turn others around me (as my negative is a frequency that impacts the whole).
been watching my thoughts a little more, since i've been reading on addiction, and addictive behaviors.
found myself acting out the addiction i was reading about...acting from a place of compulsion, of a reward pathway that would initate the behavior, a mental process of wanting that gluten-free vegan fig newton bar at new seasons supermarket. found myself thinking of how good it would taste, and how gratifying it wold be, and then, concomitantly engaging in why it would be wrong. and this thought process appeared to create a heru-set, a yin and yang, of dark vs light, good vs evil, and thus a hedonism, which is said to be a neccessary ingredient to addiction.
the reward pathway seems to only be expanded by the hedonism, by doing it anyway, even though i knew it would be a bad idea, knew the consequences. yet, oddly, and predictably, the arousal grows.
so i'm past phase one of the addictive mind - past the thought process that sets off dopamine, and gaba, and opiods. i run ot of the cafe i am, leaving my ipad, and books, and jacket, and rush down the block, hopping and skipping, and still having this internal conflict, but knowing i will grab the organic fig newton, and salivating at the thought. then getting it, chowing down like a bulemic, feeling a deep sensory gratification, the sugar rush, gold. then it sinks like lead into my belly, enters as a conflicting bit of chyme into my small intestines, which doesn't know how to distro the nutrion-less highly processed babylon organic. so i feel the frankenfood going through the villi and micorvilli straight into the bloodstream, taxig my pancreas to over-activate b-cells, that mass output insulin, setting off insulin receptors on peripheral tissue, and being on the verge of a resistance - diabetes. that's right. body in revolution, in resistance struggle, stops producing insuling altogether, so there is no uptake of all that excess glucose, or the tissues resist it, setting off sweet blood and sweet pea syndrome.
all this to say, that it was a behavior, sure there are mesmeric colors, and associate tunes that may have come from feel good foods from childhood and the commericals that convinced me of such, but i ultimately make the decision, and the decision happens in my head first. thus, more than a substance having control over you, it is you who exercise control - by way of behavior.
you is me, and my letting go this month is of the thought pattern that produces these false reward pathways that neccessarily leads to a greater hollow, once the deed is done. it is a negative feedback loop. it is a futile attempt to get secuirty by avoiding what is present, what needs to be dealt with. by avoiding reality, you grow engaged in an actionable preoccupation that holds a momentary (snesory) gratification, and then, suddenly, gone, and your left lower than before you began.
sure i'm talking about a gluten-free vegan fig bar, but i could apply this to my consumption of coffee, to certain negative thought patterns that occur in the active voices in my head. adddiction is a compulsion to repeatedly do something that results in a negative consequence. doesn't have to be drugs. could be talking smack about others; could be haterations, on constantly having negative emotions towards other ethnic groups, members of your family, people at work, on the street...could be chocolate, or shopping, or, or....you tell me...
i can wear sparkly white kicks and crisp jeans and a white tee, but if my room, and house are dirty, then how clean am i? words are costumes, they might sound good/right/moving, but they disguise what is happening inside. or atleast they can.
so this month i let go of negative thought patterns by: watching my thoughts, by spending 10 minutes each day in meditation, and then applying the fruits of this meditation in moment to moment presence. when these negative thoughts, words, song lyrics come up, i will ask myself why, and delve into the roots until i can address it on this deeper level, to seek peace with these pasts and expectations and fears, that give rise to them....inshALLAH...
